mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
