Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
