you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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