a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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