In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
