got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
