I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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