I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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