how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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