There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
