I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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