Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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