Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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