I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
