She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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