So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
now i know why i became what i already was.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
