we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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