So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
