i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Found the puke drawer
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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