I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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