I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
