Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
They took my balls.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
