The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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