I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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