you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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