I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
