I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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