Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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