We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
