I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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