You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
