I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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