i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
