if i can run in heels then i can drive
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
