Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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