He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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