I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
you didnt know i had herpes?
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
