Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I wish you could order shots online.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
