This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
