another moral hangover. fuck.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Randomize
