i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
