I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
