May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
