Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
two words: eviction party
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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