The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
