I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Randomize
