she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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