You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
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