I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
