There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
